January’s best feature is the disappearance of the dreadful Christmas sweater. Rather than just out of sight for the next year, this gaudy rendition of holiday cheer should be banned solely for its entrapment of women into thinking they look trendy wearing one.
If necessary, all cities should pass a “Garish Ordinance” to protect mature women from the annual need to don foolish apparel designed by malicious elves, otherwise known as Wal-Mart Haute Couture.
Repeat after me, there is no middle-aged bosom that looks attractive wearing beaded Christmas trees, sequined reindeer and a needlepoint Santa Claus, unless, of course, you are Mrs. Claus and want a really nice present.
If Petco hasn’t already, the store could develop a line of doggy Christmas sweaters and any matron with the uncontrollable urge to festoon herself with a knitted version of the Frosty the Snowman could thwart this pleasure onto her fluffy little Bishon, who despite such garb, would remain cute. Warning: Do not be tempted with matching sweaters.
Such a vision would be enough to revive Coco Chanel from her final resting place or put the Chic Cops on a flashing red-light-run directly to your front door. This fashion blasphemy might even inspire an Oprah show on what NOT to WEAR during the holidays.
On second thought, please don’t, the mental image of Oprah and her three golden retrievers — Luke, Layla and Lucie — sporting identical Christmas sweaters makes me want to cancel my subscription to her magazine, who undoubtedly, would put this colorful quartet onto next December’s cover.
While having lunch with a girlfriend, I recently learned that ridiculing the Christmas sweater is as unfashionable as the gold, appliquéd angels on both its sleeves. Since she is a newspaper editor, I also proposed writing a funny article about it.
Her immediate and indignant retort, “You write Christmas letters!” drew my quick response, “At least, they are tasteful!”
After those two mouthfuls, both of us tried backpedaling:
I said: “Of course, the right Christmas earrings with an elegant Christmas sweater would definitely give only you a classic look. Your statuesque frame carries beads and sequins beautifully.”
She said: “Everyone enjoys your Christmas letters because they are so funny and informative. We all love reading about your travels, children and grandchildren. In fact, three single-spaced pages are never enough.”
We’re still friends and next December she’ll be wearing her stylish, black Christmas sweater with festive poinsettias on each shoulder and strands of multicolored lights trailing from front to the back interspersed with carefully placed cherubs. Complementing this look will be large, dangling earrings of snowflakes and gaily, wrapped presents.
My newsletter will be in the mail stamped with extra postage so all my friends and family will again savor my exciting year as told in 3,000 words or less. Enclosed with my thrilling epistle and card are numerous pictures and newspaper clippings for their added enjoyment.
For every rack of forlorn Christmas sweaters marked down 70 percent, there is a trash can brimming with unread Christmas letters. In retrospect, we don’t need that ordinance. Let the old girls adorn themselves; most of us have enough bosom area to portray the entire scene of Bethlehem; in addition, with a smile and a sing-along of “Silent Night.”
I hope Oprah doesn’t read this because I’d love to sit on her couch with my fluffy pooch, Hercules, and we could share doggie tales. Maybe Tom Selleck, George Clooney and Matthew McConaughey could join us. Makes for one heck of a Christmas letter.
With: www.venturacountystar.com
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