Joy of Christmas

Connecticut is a wonderful place to spend Christmas, possessing all the appropriately-themed accoutrements from covered bridges, to stores that call themselves “ye ol’ shoppes.” The fictional town of Bedford Falls in It’s A Wonderful Life was invented by combining the names of two towns from New York (Bedford Hills and Seneca Falls). However, Frank Capra’s vision could have just as easily played out in New Milford or Torrington.

Most people don’t realize that there are slight regional differences in Christmas traditions around the state. For instance, in Bethel the holiday is celebrated by having police officers pull over every car that looks like it came from Danbury. Some say they love the tradition so much, that every day is Christmas in Bethel!

In Ridgefield, the season kicks off with the appearance of sidewalk Santas on Main Street, and the filing of legal papers to have them removed.

According to Bill O’Reilly and Fox News, these Christmas traditions may be “under siege” from “secular progressives.” Far be it from this columnist to deny Bill the joy of finding a new loofah in his stocking. In order to help this pious holy man, I offer this traditional tale of The Danbury Christmas Miracle.

The girl who worked at ye ol’ one hour photo shoppe at the Danbury Mall, lived in a rickety apartment on Lake Avenue, near the gun store and the massage parlor. Every night she would sit on the porch and watch her neighbors peel out and burn rubber up and down the street.

The photo shop had one of those machines that would allow customers to see the pictures come out after they were developed. Every so often, photos of naked people would start coming out of the machine, and the girl would have to cover them from public view with a sheet. She was quite good at her job and although it gave her great satisfaction, it barely paid a living wage.

With Christmas approaching, she realized she had no money to buy a present for her boyfriend, and would cry herself to sleep while listening to the peel outs and smelling the burning rubber. It was under these sad circumstances that the answer came to her, in a dream.

Two weeks later, a box was delivered to the rickety apartment on Lake Avenue. The photo shop girl and her boyfriend opened it together. While she read the enclosed letter, he spilled the contents of the package onto the kitchen table.

Dear Satisfied Customer:
Normally, we wouldn’t do something like this. But your letter touched my heart (I have a daughter about your age). We’re glad your boyfriend enjoys our fine products, hopefully the enclosed will bring some joy to the holiday season for you both.

Merry Christmas,
Consumer Relations Department

The girl wept tears of joy, for their kitchen table was covered with Slim Jims, and Slim Jim-related promotional products. There were many flavors of beef sticks: tabasco, chili, nacho and original. Also included were Slim Jim wrist bands, a beer cozy, stationary and even a Slim Jim pen! For it was truly a Danbury Christmas miracle!

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