No sooner is Halloween over than we’re faced with the The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause. The holiday spirit has produced a handfull of classic films and a steaming pile of holiday turkeys. Here are the bottom 10.
10. Eight Crazy Nights (2002) In all fairness, this is not one of the ten worst Christmas movies. It’s not even about Christmas; it’s about Hanukah and that’s why it’s here - to give a nod to the substandard holiday movies of other faiths. I’m still waiting for Kwanzaa with the Kranks.
9. Santa Claus: The Movie (1986) If you’re eight years old you’ll probably be entertained by this movie. But remember that an adult with the mental capacity of an eight year old fits the medical definition of a moron.
8. All I Want For Christmas (1991) Two New York City children launch a scheme to get what they most for Christmas. Two New York City children? Stop. Stop, right there.
7. I’ll Be Home For Christmas (1998) Maybe after the success of The Santa Clause, Disney thought that could get another Christmas present out of the Home Improvement cast , this time with the thrice-named Jonathan Taylor Thomas. What we got is a lump of coal.
6. Surviving Christmas (2004) Ben Affleck plays a rich ad executive who pays a dysfunctional family to take him in and make Christmas just how it was when he was a child. Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol is the grandaddy of any Christmas movie about teaching rich people lessons. This a popular theme for Hollywood which won’t touch a Christmas movie about the birth of Christ.
5. Christmas With the Kranks (2004) Another Tim Allen Christmas turd with a flimsy premise and few laughs. It sucks, yet he tops himself with the next movie on the list.
4. The Santa Clause (1994) When Scott Calvin (Tim Allen) inadvertently kills Santa on Christmas Eve, he finds himself magically recruited to take his place. Why couldn’t Santa Claus have killed Tim Allen?
3. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000) What better way to celebrate the holidays than by destroying a classic animated feature? Even worse the Dr. Suess story has a clear anti-commercialism message and the movie version featured a cross promotion with Visa, the credit card.
2. Jingle All the Way (1996) Arnold Schwarzenegger is a father who promises to get his son a “Turbo Man”, the hot toy of the year. Getting one proves as difficult as coaxing a comedic performance out of the Terminator.
1. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1962) Placing this movie in the number one spot has become a Christmas tradition as durable as decorating the tree.
With: www.slashfilm.com
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