Joy of Christmas

Archive for December, 2005

A “Parking Ticket Santa Claus” has been spreading cash as well as Christmas cheer around Birmingham, a newspaper reported on Wednesday.

The mystery Santa has placed Christmas cards containing 30 pounds on the windscreens of drivers who have received parking tickets, the Daily Telegraph said.

“Don’t let this ticket spoil your Christmas,” declares a note in each card. “Here’s £30 to pay it off. Merry Christmas – Parking Ticket Santa.”

Fourteen drivers are believed to have received gifts from the unseen Father Christmas, who has given his profession an image boost after a string of stories about “Bad Santas”.

In recent days, men in Santa outfits have been accused of committing armed robbery in Germany, exposing themselves in southern England and going on a drunken rampage in New Zealand.

When Christmas rolls around each year, Swiss designer Johann Wanner is in greater demand among the jet set than Giorgio Armani or Calvin Klein.

His extravagantly decorated Christmas trees adorn the yachts and chalets of the rich and famous, royal households, and in the past even the White House and St Peter’s Square in Rome.

“I’m like a fashion designer, but instead of creating lines for women, I dress Christmas trees,” Wanner says (see video).

The trees are “dressed” with handmade ornaments designed by Wanner and his staff. The 66-year-old designer meets his team each spring to create new collections for the Christmas to come.

“A line can have a theatrical theme,” he explains during a tour of his shop in Basel’s old town. “So all the ornaments are based on things you would find in a theatre.”

Clients can range from wealthy German families wanting a tree they can keep year round, to production companies looking for the right prop for a Christmas scene in a film set in 19th century Vienna.

He refuses to divulge the names of his clients but his Christmas ornaments and trees have, according to rumour, found their way into Buckingham Palace and Michael Jackson’s Neverland ranch.

Wanner has been known to hang sausages on the branches to grant the Christmas wishes of butchers and has created “spaghetti trees” for lovers of Italian culture.

Tall order

Many of his trees beautify the lobbies of luxury hotels and swanky department stores, but his tallest order was from the Vatican.

He says the challenge was not decorating the 25m-high tree destined for St Peter’s Square but loading it onto a truck to get it there.

He recalls that if it had not been fastened down, the oversized fir would have worked like a giant pipe cleaner as it passed through the many alpine tunnels on its journey to Rome.

Switzerland’s version of Father Christmas got into the business by chance about 40 years ago.

A customer discovered a few rare Christmas baubles he was selling in his antiques shop and proceeded to send him a few large boxes of ornaments he had stored in his cellar but no longer wanted.

The decorations sold like hot cakes and Wanner soon found himself on the search for glassmakers skilled in the art of crafting baubles as they were once made.

Glassmaking

The demand he created contributed to a revival of the cottage glassmaking industries in parts of eastern Europe.

As his reputation grew, Wanner discovered he had a talent for designing his own ornaments and decorating entire trees.

His silver Rolls Royce with the “X-MAS” licence plates is an outward sign of just how good Christmas has been to him over the years.

To stay on top, he employs people he calls “scouts” to detect fashion trends, and has moved production to developing countries such as China and Vietnam.

Christmas is a year round business for Wanner but he takes December 24 off so that he can stay at home– appropriately – to decorate his own tree.

“I have a collection of ornaments and the oldest one I made when I was in kindergarten. It’s a snail on a cork, painted red with white dots,” he explains.

“Decorating your own tree should take a lot of time. If you are doing it right, it is something to celebrate.

“Before I begin, I uncork a bottle of wine and sometimes light a cigar. The ornaments talk to me when I unwrap them – telling me stories I had nearly forgotten.

“I always had a nice, warm feeling about Christmas when I was a child and I’m lucky that I still do, even at my age.”

Madonna is determined to inject a little festive cheer into her family Christmas this year – by stocking up on her favourite beer.

The Material Girl has ordered 300 pints – a whopping £1,000 worth – of award winning Folly ale for herself and husband Guy Richie.
Beer fans describe the ale as a ‘traditional, full-bodied Yorkshire bitter’, and one Folly drinker said: ‘I’m not surprised she fell in love with Folly because it’s a wonderful pint.’

Bosses at the Wharfedale brewery in Skipton were only too happy to deliver the booze to Madonna’s mansion in Wiltshire – 275 miles away.

Earlier this year, the beer-loving pop queen had gallons of Timothy Taylor’s Landlord bitter delivered to her home.

The singer had 72-pint firkins sent miles from the brewery to her £9 million mansion at a price of £80 each.

Timothy Taylor brewer boss Charles Dent, who sent the casks to the ‘Like a Virgin Singer’ from the brewery on West Yorkshire, said: ‘It’s a jolly good beer and a lot of girls like it.’

If you think greetings such as “Happy Holidays” or “Season’s Greetings” are poor substitutes for “Merry Christmas,” you’ve got company.

A USA TODAY/CNN/Gallup Poll taken Friday through Sunday finds that 69% of adults surveyed say “Merry Christmas” is the greeting they most likely would use this time of year when first meeting someone. That’s up from 56% in 2004. Only 29% would opt for “Happy Holidays,” down from 41% in 2004.

The “Merry Christmas” preference appears to cross religious boundaries, including non-Christians and respondents who say they have no religious affiliations.

Perhaps that’s no surprise, given well-publicized concerns that references to Christmas are being diluted in American society, from town celebrations to shopping malls. Fresh debate was prompted by the holiday greeting card sent by President Bush “with no explicit reference to this as the holy time of Christmas,” noted Janet Davis, head of American studies at the University of Texas-Austin.

The issue is so heated that Wal-Mart faced a brief boycott threat until it issued a denial that it bars employees from wishing customers “Merry Christmas.”

A solid majority of 61% denounce the move to use generic wording. Just 28% call it a change for the better. Last year, 44% called the generic trend — considered by some as more inclusive of the growing number of non-Christians — a change for the better; 43% said it wasn’t.

The shift “speaks to both the power of the vocal, religious conservative movement as well as the somberness of the season,” Davis says. “Given the situation in Iraq and the aftermath of Katrina, ‘Happy Holidays’ may ring a bit false” for many Americans.

The telephone survey of 1,000 adults has an error margin of plus/minus 3 percentage points.

When 3-year-old Jack Lynch first saw Tewksbury resident Joe Lester’s enormous Christmas lights and decorations display, he ran around, excitedly pointing at and calling out the names of the characters he had recently seen at Disney World.

“He reacted just as any 31/2- or 4-year-old would,” said his father, Ed Lynch.

But Jack doesn’t exactly lead a normal childhood. He has endured countless sessions of chemotherapy and radiation, not to mention two back-to-back stem-cell transplants and brain surgery. He takes seven different medications on any given day. The trip to Disney was arranged by the Make-A-Wish Foundation, and Lester’s holiday lights display is designed to raise money to help with the boy’s hospital bills.

Jack has neuroblastoma, the most common form of cancer in infants. His bone marrow is invaded by tumor cells, while a primary tumor is encroaching on his abdomen.

Jack was born Feb. 5, 2002, a healthy, 10-pound baby, his parents said. For the first 18 months of his life, he was an energetic and happy child. Then, in October 2003, his parents realized that something was very wrong.

“Within a three-week period, he went from running around like a maniac to getting one sickness after the other,” said Dianne Lynch, Jack’s mother. “Then he started limping … and became lethargic.”

The Lynches had just moved to North Andover from New Rochelle, N.Y. Their new pediatrician immediately sent the family to Boston’s New England Medical Center and the Floating Children’s Hospital.

“We never left,” Ed Lynch said. “We were there for 28 days.”

Their Web site, www.jacklynchfund.com, details the “11 days of excruciating tests, painful exams and nail-biting, tear-your-hair-out waiting” that Jack and his parents had to go through at the hospital before being told the painful news. Jack had stage four neuroblastoma, one of the most developed forms of the cancer.

“That was the worst month of our lives,” Ed Lynch said.

But the doctors told them there was still hope, as stem-cell transplants and an aggressive treatment plan may save the boy. Jack underwent 18 months of treatment, his parents said.

Dianne Lynch gave birth to her second son, Aidan, while Jack was undergoing chemotherapy two floors above.

Jack was home for just about six months when he got sick again. The Lynches were told the cancer was back.

“There is no cure once there is a relapse,” Dianne Lynch said. “Now it’s just a day-to-day battle to keep him healthy … and make him as happy and normal as possible.”

“Jack still thinks that all kids go through this,” Ed Lynch added.

Lester, 36, of Tewksbury had never met Jack when he decided to dedicate his annual holiday lights show to the boy after visiting the Lynches’ Web site.

For the last nine years, Lester has invested hundreds of hours of labor and dollars into his Christmas lights display, a project he says has taken on a life of its own.

“My father used to do it. Then it was a competition between me and my brother,” Lester said. “My brother gave up three years ago. … Every year, it’s just grown and grown.”

Since Thanksgiving, his house and back yard at 220 Cabot Road have been aglow with 125,000 lights in every imaginable form. The homemade American flag covering the roof alone is made up of 30,000 lights. Life-size animated versions of Santa and Mrs. Claus wave through one of the house’s windows.

Lester, a manufacturing manager for Malden-based thermoplastics producer Asahi America, typically starts assembling the display at the start of September so it’s ready to be lit up on Thanksgiving. In the month of December, his electrical bill traditionally jumps by more than $1,000.

But Lester doesn’t like to brag about the display.

“I don’t do it for competition,” he said. “It’s all about fun and the children.”

Indeed, his light display is dedicated to a different charity each year. Over the years, he has raised almost $100,000 for local charities ranging from DARE to United Way.

All the money put into the collection box in front of his house this year will go to the Jack Lynch Fund. Lester said he hasn’t counted the money raised so far, but he calls the Lynches almost every day, updating them on how many people dropped by to view the display. He estimates that on a Friday or Saturday night, 200 to 300 people stop by.

“He’s a pretty special guy,” Ed Lynch said. “We’ve been amazed by the outpouring of generosity from people we don’t even know.”

Lester said he had thought about stopping the holiday light-show tradition, but that changed when he became a father.

“Now that I have my own children, there’s no stopping,” he said.

The Lesters’ holiday-lights show will be aglow every day from 5:30 to 11 p.m., through Dec. 31. There will also be two special visitors on Dec. 23. Santa Claus himself and Wally the Green Monster, the Red Sox’s mascot, will be on hand to entertain visitors.

He was, he says, the Clark Griswold of Christmas decorators.

When he first started putting up his own Christmas lights a few years ago, Justin Barba went over the top.

He hung them on the house, in trees, on railings and bushes he even ran cables over the top of his yard and suspended lights from there, a la Griswold, the Chevy Chase character in “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” who covered his home in more lights than Vegas knows.

His wife Melissa thought it all too garish, and Barba himself ultimately found it all quite unoriginal. Lots of people did the same thing.

So he scaled back.

Well, that’s not quite the right term for it.

What Barba did was to focus. He told his wife that, instead of decorating everything in the yard, he’d decorate one thing.

Nineteen thousand Christmas lights later, the 85-year-old sugar maple in his front yard on Howell Street is a sight to behold.

“I’m kind of an extreme person,” Barba says. “I’m always doing something other people aren’t.”

The owner of his own home-painting business, J. Barba Painting, the 29-year-old Barba has a degree in creative writing from the University of Montana, speaks French and Arabic and recently finished writing a 704-page fantasy novel.

He looks forward to each November, when the maple tree becomes his obsession.

He spent a week and a half and $400 this year re-arranging and adding to his display. Barba doesn’t string the lights, he wraps them around the trunk and branches, 190 strings of lights with 100 lights each.

It started nine years ago in a different house, on Missoula’s Northside. At first 8,000 lights strong, Barba’s display grows a bit each year despite his promises that it won’t. There were 11,700 lights two years ago and 14,400 last year.

Barba will even admit that one of the reasons he bought the house on Howell Street three years ago was the sugar maple out front.

“The tree looked like it had definite potential,” he says.

The main trunk splits off into six main branches that are trunk-sized themselves.

Barba wraps multicolored lights around the trunk and two of the main branches; the rest of the branches probably 40 in all sport single colors.

“But no white lights,” he says. “I don’t like those.”

The thousands of lights are contained in an area 35 feet high and 70 feet wide. He’ll cheat a bit on his promise to decorate only one tree, and run lights into the branches of a nearby tree to create the shape he wants.

“Last year it looked like an octopus,” he says. “This year it’s more of an explosion.”

Branches are bathed in red lights, green ones, blue, purple, yellow, gold, pink, violet, even salmon-colored lights that are purple bulbs that have faded.

“I really enjoy seeing the look on people’s faces when they see it for the first time,” he says. “It even shocks me from three blocks away.”

Barba enjoys talking about the tree, and occasionally will come out to visit with people who stop and get out of their vehicles to walk around looking at the display.

“It looks different from different angles,” Barba says. “It looks completely different from my neighbor’s yard than it does from the street.

The questions he’s most often asked:

How many lights? (We’ve answered that.)

How does he do it? (Barba uses a ladder, but mostly he climbs the tree to decorate it. “I’m kind of proud of the fact that I don’t use a lift,” he says.)

What’s it cost to run the lights? (His electricity bill was about $100 over what it would have been without the lights last year; he knows it’ll be higher this year.)

“Interestingly, no woman has ever asked me how much it costs,” Barba says. “Only men.”

Extension cords snake through his yard and Barba runs the lights off of two breakers in his home.

Last year, when he ran it off one breaker, anytime the Barbas ran their microwave oven for longer than 30 seconds the tree would black out.

“I took some advice from an electrician friend of mine,” Barba says. “I want it to be safe.”

He aims to have the lights up and running by Dec. 10 each year.

“I refuse to turn them on in November,” Barba says.

They stay on nightly through Jan. 4, Barba’s birthday.

Timers flick the lights on from 5 p.m. to midnight, and also from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. He runs them 24 hours a day on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

And next year? Will the 19,000 become 20-some thousand?

“I always say no,” Barba says. “But you know, I have a separate source of power in the garage. I could run more off a couple of breakers back there …”

YOU KNOW how it is, on those enchanted early mornings with the sun still low, when you take a turn around the garden to let the muesli settle, and the corner of your eye catches a mundane bush suddenly breeze-twinkled with iridescent jewellery, like a homely dowager transformed by shimmering diamonds, every wobble of her flaccid balcon offering a yet more fulgent facet? And you stop, and peer close, and, for the thousandth time, marvel at the flawless fusion of art, craft, effort and technology that is a web?

And next thing you know, a bluebottle, beguiled no doubt by the glitter, sends the dewdrops flying, eight horrible legs spring from beneath a leaf, and the peristaltic muesli churns in your gut as Mother Nature’s magical vignette becomes just another munchy footnote to Sir David Attenborough’s CV.

Overwritten, yes, but who could blame me? This morning, I am that fly. Hitherto circumspect and cautious to a fault, I dropped my guard last week, having trudged my feet raw in the vain search for Mrs Coren’s Christmas present, and did what I swore I never would: I hit the world wide web. And today I am done for: enmeshed in its internet, I have been nailed by the spider. Yes, last week, there on my screen was exactly the wild goose I had chased throughout London; and yes, today, there on my doorstep was the dead duck the postman had just delivered. I have been sent the wrong thing. Out there, in the alien ether, I hear the spider laugh.

I can’t tell you what the thing on the step is — or even what the thing that wasn’t on the step was, since there is an outside chance that Mrs Coren’s eye will inadvertently stray to this page, should today’s Su Doku fall into the pushover category, and obviously I want her gift to be a surprise. God knows, it’ll be a surprise to me, if it’s the one I may be compelled to give her; not only because it is not the thing that was not on the step, but also because, having brought it in from the step and stared at the picture on the box, I still have no idea what it is. It is quite unlike the thing that was not on the step, and though it says on the box what it is, it says it in Chinese: this is doubly puzzling, as well as doubly infuriating, because I don’t understand Chinese so utterly that I do not even know whether the writing is up or down, and if you turn the box the other way up (or down) the picture of the thing is, of course, different. It looks vaguely familiar when it stands on its bottom, or top, but also vaguely familiar when it stand on its top, or bottom. Worse yet, depending on which way up or down it is, it looks as if it can be used for two entirely different things, neither of which is apparent.

What I do not know, and cannot even guess, is which of the two things Mrs Coren would want to use it for; if either. I’m sure she would have loved the thing that was not on the step, and known precisely what to use it for; but if I give her the one that was on the step, and if when she takes it out of the box on Christmas morning it looks exactly the way it looks on the box, neither of us will know what it is, or what to use it for. Especially if the writing on the inside is the same as the writing on the outside. There may be a translation on the inside, of course, but you can’t tell that from the outside unless you can read Chinese, and if the people who put it in the box assume you can read Chinese and don’t need anything but Chinese on the outside, then they probably assume that you don’t need anything but Chinese on the inside, either.

Yes, I am not a (complete) fool, I have just spent a jolly hour going back to the website to find out what happened to the thing that wasn’t on the step, but all the website will say is that it has been dispatched, and I have no way of telling the website that what has arrived wasn’t what it says it dispatched, since I don’t know what it is that it did dispatch, because I can’t read Chinese. Not that it’d do any good, because what the website does say is that it is now too late for Christmas delivery, so that even if I found out how to change what was on the doorstep for what wasn’t, I couldn’t.

I wish I knew someone who reads Chinese. At least I’d be able to find out what was on the doorstep, whether Mrs Coren wanted it or not. But here’s another problem: while I could pop the thing in the car and drive until I saw a Chinese person to ask, it isn’t that simple. The fact is, I’m not entirely sure that the writing on the box is Chinese at all. It could well be Japanese.

Convicts in Berlin cannot decorate their cells with Christmas trees, which could be used to bring drugs as well as festive cheer into prison, a court ruled Monday.

The city’s highest legal authority overturned a decision by a lower court, which had granted a prisoner the right to deck out his cell with a tree of “no more than 50 centimetres (19.7 inches) in height (not including the tip)” during the festive season.

This prompted a protest by the prison’s director, whose complaint was upheld by the higher body.

“The (director’s) complaint correctly points out that the branches and trunk of the tree can easily be hollowed out and sealed with glue, which renders it extremely difficult to prevent the smuggling of drugs in this way,” the court said.

Grandparents are collectively spending nearly £7 billion on Christmas, splashing out on presents and entertaining, a new survey has revealed.

The average grandparent spends nearly £600 during the festive season, with 6.5 million grandparents also hosting Christmas dinner, according to insurer Norwich Union.

Unsurprisingly, grandchildren are the main beneficiaries of grandparents’ festive spending, with people splashing out an average of £58 on presents for each grandchild, rising to £65 among those with eight grandchildren.

Four out of 10 grandparents say they treat their grandchildren to things all year round, spending an average of £200 per grandchild during the year, while 41% admit they spend more on their grandchildren than they do on their children.

But 34% of grandparents said they bought things for their grandchildren even when they could not afford to.

Daren Carter, sales and marketing director at Norwich Union Personal Finance, said: “They say that Christmas is a time for giving and our grandparents seem to have embraced that sentiment.

“However, all this generosity does come at a cost. A third of grandparents confess to buying things for their grandchildren even when they can’t afford to do so.

“Considering that the average weekly income of almost a third of grandparents is less than £300 a week per household, it may be that this kindness isn’t sustainable.”

During this holiday season many of you will be attending gatherings or shopping at malls where in the background will be the continuous drone of holiday music. I myself recently attended a Christmas party where everyone was subjected to the continuous repeat of a holiday compilation album being played in the stereo (that is until I snuck off to the garage with a few friends to enjoy a mix CD of Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Alice in Chains, Soundgarden and Smashing Pumpkins hits – a 90′s smorgasbord).

I’ve never fussed over Christmas music since it’s only played for a short time (though the holiday season seems to be getting longer each year starting up as soon as the Halloween decorations come down). Like elevator music, Christmas music is supposed to provide a calming reassuring background noise for shoppers and partygoers, though watching the pushing match between some shoppers you would guess Bolt Thrower was playing on mall intercoms

Could you imagine hearing 50 Cent rapping about a white Christmas or System of A Down crafting a thrash version of “We Three Kings”? It’s unlikely but after experiencing the onslaught of Christmas music these past few weeks I got to thinking what were the best holiday themed songs ever recorded (well not necessarily the best but my own personal favourites).

Excluding older artists like Nat King Cole, Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Jimmy Durante, Burl Ives, Gene Autry and all those other pre-rock and roll performers, I’ve come up with the top five greatest Christmas songs ever sung by contemporary artists – meaning from the rock, pop and hip hop community.

5. Santa Clause is Coming to Town – Bruce Springsteen

A holiday classic written by J. Fred Coots and Haven Gillespie, “Santa Clause is Coming to Town” was originally recorded way back in 1935 by Joe Harris with Benny Goodman & His Orchestra. It’s been re-recorded numerous times over the decades but it was the Boss’ version that surpassed all other renditions being released as a B-side on his 1985 “My Hometown” single.

4. Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) – U2

Irish rockers U2 took this sixties classic and made it their own contributing it to the first edition of the popular Very Special Christmas series. Written by Phil Spector, Jeff Barry and Ellie Greenwich and originally sung by Darlene Love, the song, like most Christmas songs has been redone countless times over the years but U2′s 1987 version still remains the best rendition.

3. Christmas In Hollis – Run-DMC

Run-DMC bring a little hip hop flavour to Christmas with their 1987 hit “Christmas In Hollis.” Released off the first Very Special Christmas compilation, the song and its accompanying video have become fixtures on radio and video stations come every holiday season. The song also closed the group’s 2002 greatest hits compilation, which was released a month before the tragic murder of DJ Jam Master Jay.

2. Do they Know it’s Christmas – Band Aid

Released in 1984, this massive Bob Geldof-Midge Ure penned single from U.K. supergroup Band Aid hit number one in the U.K, sold millions of copies around the world (the proceeds went to the Ethiopian Famine relief) and subsequently returned to the top of the U.K charts on two other separate occasions; in 1989 when a new line-up called Band Aid II recorded it after a
second Ethiopian famine hit and in 2004 for the 20th anniversary of the project.

1. Happy Xmas (War Is Over) – John Lennon and Yoko Ono

This is the only song out of any Christmas themed song that I can listen to at any time of the year. The ex-Beatles’ Vietnam protest song is still relevant thirty plus years after it’s release maybe even more so this year as this December 8th marks the 25th anniversary of John Lennon’s murder. Melissa Etheridge recorded a live version of “Happy Xmas (War Is Over)” a few years ago that is widely recognized as the best cover version of the song.

Bonus: Worst Christmas song ever

It wouldn’t be a complete list unless the worst Christmas song wasn’t included. I came up with a short list that included such forgettable performances from the likes of The Darkness (“Christmas time, Don’t Let the Bells End”), Rosie O’Donnell & Elmo (“Do You Hear What I Hear”), Kathie Lee Gifford (“It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas”) and a host of others.

I narrowed the list down to two songs; the first being “Silent Night” from 80′s glam rockers Winger, the other Paul McCartney’s 1979 solo hit “Wonderful Christmastime.” Winger’s interpretation of “Silent Night,” is arguably the funniest and worst version of that song that has ever been recorded. The only thing missing in this crappy rendition was a guest appearance from Slaughter namesake Mark Slaughter, though Winger singer Kip Winger does a fine job of embarrassing himself on his own.

But after much deliberation the worst Christmas song ever is Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime,” which actually made the top ten in the U.K, reaching number six. This overproduced diddy is really not any worse than any of McCartney’s other schmaltzy hits of that era but takes the cake at being the worst Christmas song ever solely for its incessant chorus – “Simply having a wonderful Christmas time.” It will stick in your head well into the new year.

New Christmas tradition: Buy tree before all the ones on the lot have turned to mulch. Second new tradition: See Brian Setzer’s annual holiday show and revel in ensuing joyful spirit.

What an awesome way to usher in the holidays. Last night’s Brian Setzer Orchestra Christmas show at the House of Blues would have annihilated anyone’s Scrooge. In holiday plaid jacket and cheery green vest, Setzer made lights twinkle and bells jingle. (He may even have had rosy cheeks.)

Yes, it was a little weird singing “White Christmas” and “Jingle Bells” along with hundreds of other people in a concert hall that hosts bands like Unwritten Law and Bad Religion. So? We weren’t the only ones who dug Setzer’s Christmas-color guitars, the red-and-green-outfitted 16-piece orchestra and two backup “Vixens” in fur-trimmed emerald velvet dresses. Christmas, people.

Did we mention the shower of fake snow? Or the Santa tossing candy from his gift sack?

Setzer didn’t totally cheese out, though. His trademark blond pompadour was in full coif, his tatts peered out from his rolled-up sleeves and his bass player’s ruby-red upright was emblazoned with flames. He even threw in some Stray Cats sweetness and “Jump, Jive An’ Wail” amid tunes from his latest, “Dig That Crazy Christmas.”

HOB was packed, too. Beefy guys in Chargers jerseys stood alongside Gwen-coiffed rockabilly girls in leopard print, while average moms, dads and grandparents dotted the crowd’s outskirts.

A very rock ‘n’ roller Christmas it was — and all set to a backdrop of a cartoon Setzer Santa at the wheel of a true “lead sled” befitting the ’68 Comeback singer.

Mary Ann Lacamera hopes a new Christmas tradition will begin in Readington this Friday night.

Lacamera, who has lived in Readington for nearly 30 years, has donated an eight-foot-tall Douglas fir, which has already been planted in front of the municipal building. She hopes it will become the focal point for an annual tree lighting celebration.

This year’s ceremony is scheduled for 7 p.m. Friday, Dec. 16, at the township municipal building, Route 523, Whitehouse Station. The ceremony is open to the public.

Lacamera donated the tree in honor of her husband, Nicholas Lacamera Jr., who died in June 2004. But she says she had been thinking for years about the idea of starting a tree lighting ceremony, which would bring township residents together.

“I guess it took (my husband’s) passing away to give me a purpose to do it,” she said.

“Sometimes it takes something negative so you have to think, ‘I have to find a glimmer of something positive here,’” Lacamera said last Friday.

Now, she is hoping that both the lovely evergreen and the tradition will take root and continue growing through the years.

After a dedication by Mayor Frank Gatti, the lights will be turned on. A local choir of young people has been invited to sing. Songbooks will then be passed around for caroling.

No celebration would be complete without refreshments, and this year a generous amount of cookies, hot chocolate and perhaps other goodies have been donated by many of Readington’s businesses, along with some funds for lights for the tree.

“I’m appreciative to everyone who has given,” Lacamera said.

Lacamera said she is also hoping that downtown businesses in Whitehouse Station would turn on candles or lights that evening to add an extra glow to what she hopes will become an annual ceremony. She also invited local residents to remember to turn on lights that evening.

Mayor Gatti said his wife, Terri, had always talked about starting a similar event. When Lacamera told him what she had been thinking about during one of the neighborhood coffees, the mayor said he put the two women in touch to get the ball rolling.

Since then, Betty Ann Fort and Julia Allen have joined in organizing the evening.

“It only takes a handful of people to get something started,” said Lacamera, who has lived on Judge Thompson Road for about 29 years and raised three children in the area.

“Let’s hope we can keep the spirit of both community and Christmas alive and well,” she said. “We in our community need to know each other a little better and my hope is that this will help.”

Remember Mary Scott? She’s the 80-year-old Savannah woman who’s spent the last 42 years feeding needy children during the holidays.

She pays for most of it out of her own pocket. Afraid she wouldn’t have enough money to serve the more than 70 children who rely on her, she asked for help (Holiday Help Needed for Longtime Children’s Helper), and some first graders surprised her.

It’s an annual tradition Fannie Sexton and her first grade class were determined to keep alive. “When I heard it, I was like, ‘Oh my gosh, we can’t break this tradition,’” Sexton said. “So I decided right away and we started collecting.”

So the little ones, with the help of their parents, went to work collecting toys. “A few nights ago, we got a lot of stuff that we haven’t opened and sent it over here to be loaded up onto a truck,” said Russell McGrath, 7.

To help fill their little tummies as well, they also brought some food to make the holidays complete. “There’s toys, food and cookies and stuff,” said Owen Colvin, 6.

They also made sure they brought toys other children would love to have. And with the help of some strong volunteers, all the toys were picked up, loaded into a van and driven down to Mary Scott’s house.

“And I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart,” Scott said.

After feeding and providing Christmas toys to more than 70 children last year, Scott no longer fears these needy children will have to go without.

“She’s just overwhelmed with gratitude and it’s just a great feeling to help her and the children,” said Sexton.

For the past week, the buzz around Lititz has been: Did she say yes?

Keep in mind that Jeff Bowlby spent about 30 hours perched on a 10-foot ladder carefully stringing more than 2,000 Christmas lights to spell out his marriage proposal on the side of a barn at his grandparents’ Warwick Township farm.

Then, after each work session, he removed the lights, tying ribbons at strategic points to mark how they should be arranged when he put them back up, so he could hide his handiwork until the big night.

Oh yeah, he also devised an elaborate plan that involved a buddy in hiding, a blinking flashlight and a switch that was thrown at just the right moment.

And don’t forget he got down on one knee with a ring in his hand.

Well, really, what do you think?

Eileen Golias is one very smart woman who immediately said “yes” to the man who loved her enough to go to the trouble of spelling out his proposal in 10-foot-high letters, accompanied by a 12-foot-high red heart. The couple hopes to marry this summer.

“I was stunned,” says Golias, a 25-year-old Lititz resident. “I was ecstatic and couldn’t believe he did it.”

Bowlby’s colorful “Will U Marry Me” was visible from Woodcrest Avenue west of Lititz until this past weekend, when he took down the lights.

Bowlby, 26, dreamed up the proposal late this fall, when he started thinking about putting up the Christmas star his grandpa always hung at the farm along Waters Edge Road.

Bowlby lives at the farm as a caretaker for his grandparents, Edna and David Buckwalter, who live at a nearby retirement community.

“Come October or November-ish, I started thinking about getting it out and hanging it,” Bowlby says of the star. “And I thought maybe I could hang some lights.”

At the same time, Bowlby, who works for Diehm & Sons surveying and engineering firm, was planning to ask Golias, a learning support teacher for Manheim Township, to marry him.

Bowlby looked around on the Internet to see if he could find a special way to propose. And somehow along the way, the Christmas lights at the farm and the marriage proposal just came together.

He knew the plan would take some work but says, “You only get married once.”

Bowlby, who insists he’s “not really a romantic person,” took a few Friday afternoons off from work to set up the lights so he could avoid detection by Golias, who frequently visits him at the farm.

To get the question to light up at just the right moment, Bowlby enlisted Nate Nixdorf, a friend of his since elementary school days and his former college roommate.

On the appointed night, Dec. 5, Bowlby invited both Nixdorf and Golias to his house. Nixdorf hid while Golias came in, and then Bowlby asked his girlfriend to go for a walk around the farm.

Golias said she didn’t think anything was unusual as the two bundled up and took a walk. She didn’t know that Nixdorf had sneaked out of the house and taken his place, ready to flip the switch on the lights.

As the couple approached the barn, Bowlby “found” a flashlight in his pocket and turned it on, pointing it toward the barn.

It was the one-minute warning for Nixdorf but all Golias thought was, “We walked all the way in the dark without a flashlight. I’m not sure why we need one now.”

Then Nixdorf flipped a light off outside the farm. That was Bowlby’s cue that he had 15 seconds to pop the question.

“Once I saw it go dark near the barn, I knew it was about that time,” Bowlby says. “I was down on my knee and had her facing the barn and as soon as I asked her, the lights went on.”

Golias says, “I was really excited. I said, ‘How did you do that?’”

Nixdorf drove out the farm lane, beeping his horn, so Golias realized that Bowlby had an accomplice.

“I was definitely blown away,” Golias says.

“But then, I was already blown away by him.”

ELEANOR HALL: To an unusual Christmas phenomenon in Tasmania – a spate of giant turkeys.

It seems Tasmania’s main turkey producer has had a bumper season and is now advising customers to expect more than they’ve bargained for, as Tim Jeanes reports from Hobart.

(sound of music: “Fatten up the turkey no more…”)

TIM JEANES: They’ve been fattening up the turkeys at Nichols Poultry a little too much this year.

Owner Robert Nichols says a cool growing season has seen the turkeys gobbling down their food like there’s no tomorrow, which – if you’re a turkey – is possibly understandable.

The end result is birds with whopper wings, plump rumps, tumultuous thighs and big, bumper-sized breasts.

ROBERT NICHOLS: We just found that it’s been such an exceptional season that they’ve just eaten that much better this year and performed that much better that it’s quite a surprise.

Just so unusual. So difficult to predict as well.

TIM JEANES: Just how big have they got?

ROBERT NICHOLS: Oh, look, how big do you want them to be? We’ve got a range of sizes of course. Christmas market dictates that we have to have a whole heap of birds from small birds and around about the two to three kilos, right the way up to large birds for catering trade of 11 and 12 kilos dressed weight.

But this year we’ve really struggled with some of the smaller sizes, the twos and three kilo birds have just shot out of their skins and they’re just so much better performing than they’ve been in the past.

So we just thought it was, as courtesy, we’d inform our customers that we’ve overshot the mark a little bit this year.

TIM JEANES: Couldn’t you just send them off a little early to turkey heaven or whatever?

ROBERT NICHOLS: (laughs) Well everything that we do is fresh, so there’s a limit to when we can start. Well I was hoping that maybe we could all look towards bringing forward Christmas Day to the 19th. I think that would work quite nicely for us, but I think if that won’t take off we’ll have to go a few sizes larger on our birds.

TIM JEANES: This is your profession, to grow turkeys, for want of a better expression, do you feel like a bit of a goose with this?

ROBERT NICHOLS: (laughs) Oh, look, it’s, we’re playing with mother nature, we don’t actually try to, we don’t have any artificial control over the climate that we put our birds through, so as with any farming venture, you’re in the lap of the gods, with mother nature. They do thrive on cooler climate conditions, and this year has been just one of those years. So, yeah, it’s one out of the bag.

THE turkey won’t fit in the oven. The dog has eaten the chipolatas. Uncle Ronald has already worked his way through the sherry and has started on the port. Your stepmother is remarking loudly that last Christmas, at her daughter’s 14-bedroom mansion in Kent, they had a particularly delicious goose and Gordon Ramsay popped in with a special pudding. Your boss e-mailed last night asking for that report you promised him in November. Your single sister-in-law is asking your husband, sotto voce, if you ever discipline the children and your teenage daughter has just announced that she is vegetarian/pregnant/marrying a Hells Angel: “Like, how could you forget, mum!” Merry Christmas. Or should that be welcome to hell?

If you are a working mother with a large extended family and a guilt complex more tender than a sunburned neck, Christmas can feel like an exam which you have no prospect of ever passing. According to Dr Leonard Felder, the author of When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People, 70 per cent of families have “significant tension” that flares up at big family gatherings such as Christmas. As family structures become more complex, these tensions become more apparent. No kidding…

“It is hard for even the most relaxed family to get through to Boxing Day without some crisis, tantrum or disaster,” says Gay Cox of Family Mediation Scotland. “But when there is the added pressure of a family living apart because of separation or divorce, the problems can overwhelm what should otherwise be one of the happiest occasions of the year.” Identifying the flashpoints and working out how to handle them in advance is the key to preventing a white-knuckle Christmas.

SEVEN STEPS TO HEAVEN

1 ARRANGE coffee with a group of the most stylish non-working mothers you know and pump them for information. They will have been shopping since early November and can save you a great deal of leg-work.

2 DELEGATE as much of the cooking as possible. Get guests to bring homemade pudding, cranberry sauce, bread sauce and soup, leaving you to concentrate on the bird. Non-cooks can bring peeled vegetables, wine and crackers. Everyone then feels part of the meal and every course will have been lovingly prepared.

3 INVEST in a sticky tape dispenser that you can wear on your wrist when wrapping presents. Keep two pairs of scissors and two pens handy, one to lose and one to use. You will be amazed at how much time you save not hunting for scissors under paper.

4 INVITE guests to stay overnight on Christmas Eve. This means that Christmas starts the night before, the house will be in order and you can spend a relaxing evening instead of icing the cake at midnight.

5 ORGANISE to do some volunteering or visiting in the week before Christmas. A couple of hours spent this way will not only be good for your soul, it will put your own Christmas worries in perspective and make you less frantic and frazzled.

6 MAKE mad, passionate love to your husband on Christmas Eve. That warm, affectionate feeling will spill over into Christmas Day and you will work much more effectively as a team in the kitchen.

7 LOWER your standards appropriately. Don’t aim for perfection.

THE GUEST: CARRIE BRADSHAW

• THE DANGER: The sexy but sad singleton for whom the family Christmas is ordeal, not ideal. They don’t understand small children, may recently have separated and make you feel you have to keep half an eye on your husband/teenage son.

• SURVIVAL TECHNIQUE: “Make them feel involved,” says Hilary Campbell, of Couple Counselling Scotland. “If they are a whiz at decorating the table, ask them to do that. If they are good in the kitchen, rope them in. Make sure there are some presents under the tree for them.

“If they have recently separated, don’t pussyfoot around or speak in hushed voices. If they end up in tears, give them a box of hankies and let them have some time in another room. Explain to the children in age-appropriate language what has happened. Family Christmases can be very claustrophobic for single people, so ask if they would like to come for a walk, while the children and the grandparents have their love-in. Give them an opportunity to talk, if they want to, to their closest confidant within the family.”

Hosting a successful Christmas gathering is largely a question of attitude. If you stop seeing it as a hurdle to be negotiated and start viewing it as a great privilege to be able to entertain the people you love and are closest to, you are halfway there. “You have to change your definition of a successful gathering,” says Felder. “If it’s better than last year, it’s a success.” Most importantly, don’t run yourself ragged trying to please everyone. Some relatives will always be happy being miserable. Remember a mother is for life… not just for Christmas.

THE GUEST: DUDLEY DURSLEY

• THE DANGER: For the spoilt child nothing is ever good enough. He will throw a tantrum if he does not get his own way immediately. If his parents are separated, he will play one off against the other.

• SURVIVAL TECHNIQUE: Get him to prioritise his Christmas list and limit it to half-a-dozen items. Line up other relatives to buy sought-after gifts. “Indulgent parents are doing their ewe lamb no favours,” says Jane Fearnley-Whittingstall, author of The Good Granny Guide. “If you are a parent or grandparent, try looking at the child’s position in the family from the viewpoint of an outsider and, if you don’t like what you see, start a gentle campaign for good manners and consideration.”

“Communicate with the other parent about presents, and don’t compete,” says Gay Cox. “It is easy for the ‘absent’ parent to try to over-compensate with lavish presents. If the budget is tight, make sure the children realise that it is lack of cash, not love, that is the problem.” Dudleys are materially rich but emotionally poor. Spend time, rather than money, on them.

THE GUEST: SCROOGE

• THE DANGER: Miserable at the best of times but especially at Christmas, Scrooge puts the bug into bah humbug.

• SURVIVAL TECHNIQUE: “Round about October, ask if they want to come to yours for Christmas. If they don’t, let them be,” says Nicholls. “Respect their decision. If they do come, let them sit on their own and watch television, if that’s what they want. They don’t have to put on paper hats and join in the party games.”

THE GUEST: KEVIN THE DIFFICULT TEENAGER

• THE DANGER: Your stroppy teenager wants to bring an unsuitable girlfriend/boyfriend to Christmas lunch and doesn’t care if s/he upsets the entire family Christmas

• SURVIVAL TECHNIQUE: “Tell her to bring him along,” says Anne Nicholls. “She will be able to see him in her own environment and will see how badly he fits in. If you oppose her she will only idolise him and demonise you. Teenagers want to break away from family. Accept this. Do some bargaining in advance. Promise to buy them the perfect present if they promise to be nice to granny.”

“If you view them as the person who will bring out your worst behaviour, that’s a problem,” says Dr Leonard Felder. “But if you view the occasion as one that will give you more good moments than bad, you take away their influence.”

THE GUEST: THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST

• THE DANGER: This step-mother/critical aunt/mother-in-law just cannot avoid comparing your efforts with a sister-in-law/cousin/younger self.

• SURVIVAL TECHNIQUE: Don’t rise to the bait, however tempting. Kill them with kindness. “Hang on to your own sense of self-worth,” says Anne Nicholls, author of Is Your Family Driving You Mad? “This woman doesn’t have the right to judge you. Take the wind out of her sails by going along with her. “Isn’t she marvellous,” or “Your stuffing is always wonderful, you must show me how to make it,” can go a long way to keeping the peace. Give yourself some space if you can. Go for a walk after lunch to get away from the difficult relative for half an hour or so.”

Understand the ghost’s motives and difficulties. Bitchy siblings, tactless aunts and in-laws who can’t open their mouths without a display of one-upmanship are not caricatures; they exist in many families, says Dr Felder. “Sometimes you’ll have a breakthrough because you’ll realise why this person is injured emotionally, and that their behaviour isn’t aimed just at you: they do it with people all over the place.”

THE GUEST: RAB C NESBIT

• THE DANGER: The drunken uncle who is halfway through the single malt while everyone else is having their mid-morning cup of tea.

• SURVIVAL TECHNIQUE: “Watch the measures you are serving,” says Gillian Bell, of Alcohol Focus Scotland. “It’s easy to serve bigger measures at home than you’d get in the pub. Make sure there are plenty of soft drinks available and plenty to eat, not usually a problem at Christmas, admittedly.

“Don’t start drinking too early. If they arrive at 11am, offer a cup of tea or coffee. Don’t mix drinks. Stick to one or two types of drink and book all the drinkers’ taxis or give them beds for the night.”

“You are not going to change their habits on this day of all days, so don’t let them spoil Christmas for you,” says Nicholls. “It’s all about damage limitation. Offer lots of coffee. Bear in mind it’s the drink talking and don’t take offence at what they say.”

It’s a scene that would make Clark Griswold proud. In the classic comedy “Christmas Vacation,” the character, played by Chevy Chase, coats his house with 25,000 lights. And, as he gathers family, he ceremonially lights up his property like a landing strip – much to the dismay of his neighbors.

Mike Conlon shares Griswold’s enthusiasm (and even has more lights to prove it – well over 100,000). But it’s clear that Mr. Conlon’s approach is more creative – and more admired by the public. He’s been stopping traffic for six years with a yuletide spectacle that spans the entire front yard of his Saugus, Mass., home. Carloads of families pull over to gaze at a holiday palace that features giant snow globes, bright snowflakes dangling from trees, a life-size toy soldier, and a bridge lined with 12-foot candy canes.

“I’ve always liked lights,” Conlon says. “I like anything that sparkles – lights, fancy clothing, diamonds. My wife is like that, too,” he adds, laughing. They don’t have children, but they welcome kids and their families to their yard each year.

On a recent winter night, Grace Rivas, age 12, and her brother, Bastian, 5, played in the snow and admired the lights with their parents. For them, a visit to the Conlons’ home has become a holiday tradition. “It’s beautiful. It reminds me of the North Pole,” Grace says. “I love the candy canes and the balls in the trees.”

Conlon begins plugging in Christmas displays a few days after Halloween – and it takes weeks to finish. It’s such a big job, he hires an assistant, Marc Langlois, to help set up and maintain his yard. Mr. Langlois works eight to 10 hours a day changing light bulbs, fixing displays, and keeping the traffic moving.

Conlon also puts on shows for Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, Easter, the Fourth of July, Halloween, and Thanksgiving. He was initially drawn to this house because of its sweeping front yard: “I’m a big Elvis Presley fan, and this place reminds me of Graceland,” he says. “I could picture what I could do here.”

He stores his festive features in four backyard sheds, the attic, and the garage. “I don’t have a basement,” he says, with a tinge of regret.

All the holiday cheer comes with a hefty price tag. Last December, the Conlons’ electric bill was $1,250. This year, he hopes it will be lower because he’s installed 400 sets of LED lights, which use less electricity.

To stave off a neighborhood blackout, the electric company gave Conlon his own power pole last year, with enough electricity to run 50 houses. Before that, when Conlon would turn on his outside lights, the ones inside grew dim. “My wife couldn’t blow-dry her hair,” he recalls.

Conlon says all the work – and the electric bill – are worth it. He sees his show as a way to bring holiday cheer to the community; he even helps neighbors hang their lights. Visitors make donations to thank Conlon, and he gives all the money to children’s charities.

For 12-year-old Grace, the show has given her a fond memory – and inspiration. “I want my house to look like this someday,” she says with a smile.

Holiday Fad Faded Decades Ago, Then eBay and Others Revived It

Manitowoc truly reflects the spirit of the season.

The quaint town on the shores of Lake Michigan is known for its snow-covered sidewalks, storybook downtown — and sparkling aluminum Christmas trees. The tinsel Tannenbaums glisten in the window of the LaDeDa shop, and catch the glow of passing headlights at the Tweedle Brothers book store.

“Manitowoc was put on the map nationally through this tree,” says Jerry Waak, who once ran the sales force at the Aluminum Specialty Company. The downtown factory closed years ago.

In the 1960′s and 70′s, Waak estimates he sold millions of aluminum trees, but for nowhere near the prices they command now. On E-Bay, a rare pink 7-footer recently sold for more than $3,600.

“We used to sell those trees for $11.25 wholesale, $25 retail,” says Waak shaking his head. “I wish I had a lot more trees.”

What some regard as tacky relics of Christmas past are now collector’s items.

Barbara Bundy Yost paid $800 on E-Bay for a 6-foot pink tree last year.

As she inserts each of the dozens of tinsel-covered branches into the foil-coated dowel “trunk”, the tree begins to take shape.

“It’s glamorous, kind of…in a kitschy way,” she says, wiggling in the last of the branches.

For Bundy Yost, the tree reminds her of one that her grandmother had in her living room. “It makes me think of her, and that time, that era, and I think the tree represents a simpler time.”

A ‘Beautiful, Ostentatious Ornament’

At that time, the Peanuts gang both immortalized and satirized the aluminum tree.

In “A Charlie Brown Christmas” Lucy tells Charlie Brown to ” get the biggest aluminum tree you can find — maybe paint it pink.”

Photographers Julie Lindemann and John Shimon also preserved the tree for history in their book, “Season’s Gleamings.” Julie’s aunt worked at the factory that made the Evergleam Christmas trees.

“They were this beautiful ostentatious ornament that sort of glamorized all that humans could do. We could make a tree better than nature,” says Lindemann.

Eventually, the aluminum trees lost their luster as the sparkling promise of the space age gave way to the realities of Vietnam.

“The trees started to not resonate right,” says Lindemann, “They were glittery. They seemed shallow.”

So, many of them ended up in the trash.

Not Just Another Tree

And then — collectors like Lisa Genske started buying them on E-bay.

She describes the moment she won her pink tree: “My hands were shaking when I pushed the button for the final bid and when I won it, I screamed. It’s my pride and joy. I love it.”

The pink aluminum tree and a small forest of others glimmer in the window of her business, the Washington Street Antique Mall. The trees are for show, not for sale.

“Anyone can go out in the forest and cut a tree,” Genske says, “but this is history.”

The Wisconsin Historical Society agrees.

And this year, for the first time, the lowly tinsel tree has become a museum piece. An entire floor is dedicated to the Wisconsin-made trees.

The reviews aren’t exactly sparkling.

“It’s a bit tacky and you can’t really put that many ornaments on it,” says Aimee Van Ars, a fourth-grader on a field trip to the museum.

Her classmate Kate Craven takes a different view, saying, “I like the trees you get out of the woods better, but these are nice and glittery.”

It’s the season for peace, love and sexist advertising. Kim Knight reports.

This Christmas, boys will unwrap trucks and girls will unwrap dolls. Mum will bake a cake, dad will carve a roast, God will be a man and all will be right with the world.

It’s the season of peace, love and gender stereotypes. But for some women, it’s the thin end of a year-round wedge. Advertising mailers showing boys shooting hoops and girls pushing prams are more noticeable now, they say, because there are more ads at Christmas. We aren’t seeing an increase in sexist advertising – because we never saw a decrease.

“There’s always been sexism and there’s definitely been objectification of women since advertising has been widely available,” says Camilla Belich, co-president of the New Zealand University Students Association. “But I think at the moment, there’s a really dangerous assumption that sexism isn’t as prevalent or doesn’t exist in the same way.”

Turn on the television and watch in wonder as the teenage boy whose mother fed him Nutrigrain lifts the couch so she can vacuum underneath. Buy a packet of Pascall marshmallows and check out the fun and easy recipes for “kids and Mums to make”. Walk past the optometrist. Maybe you need glasses to notice the model on the poster is wearing only a bra?

If you’re a man, you can spend your Telecom three-minute hour explaining why you’re in a spa pool surrounded by bikini-clad models. If you’re a woman, you can phone your dad and explain why you’ve parked the car so badly. Does the baby need changing? Call mum -because according to the Huggies nappies campaign, dad will be busy washing the family wagon.

“Things that were contentious when everyone was at a mutual consensus that there was sexism, are somehow a little bit more accepted,” Belich says.

Last year, she was part of the tertiary women’s focus group that helped shut down a Dunedin pub’s “wifebeater Wednesday” (buy $10 worth of liquor, get the free white singlet colloquially known as a wifebeater). The same group took on a Tui beer billboard that read, “That bikini’s too small – yeah right”. The response was a new sign: “No one minds dumb, sexist beer ads – yeah right”.

What about Tui’s tongue-in-cheek claim that men look good in speedos?

“I don’t think the way to create a perfect world would be to start objectifying men or making them feel awkward about their bodies. That’s just as bad,” Belich says.

In July, L Wilkin and others agreed. They wrote to the Advertising Standards Authority about a Kimberleys Fashion advertisement featuring a naked male cyclist, a young woman holding a shopping bag and the quote, “Now that I’ve shopped, it’s time for something mindless.”

The complainant said the ad caused offence on the grounds of gender, “by suggesting that men are mindless, or are a mindless activity, and that shopping requires more thought than dealing with men”.

ASA executive director Hilary Souter said the authority dealt with an average of 30 complaints a year about sexist advertising. Last year it received a total of 777 complaints.

“For me it comes down to context, audience, medium, product. I think that in general some people want to give their products a sexier image… if they’re targeting it to an audience who don’t have a problem with that sort of approach, then we generally don’t get complaints.

“If they use a very public medium, like billboards, newspapers or prime-time viewing on television, then there is much more likely to be a reaction.”

Souter says that in general, “advertisers aren’t going out there to offend potential customers”. But as more skincare products become available, as clothing gets skimpier and the quest for the body beautiful continues, she says there is an acceptance advertising will get sexier.

“Boundaries do move, but they move forward and backwards.”

Sex sells. But sexism shouldn’t.

In the 1970s, women’s groups rallied against sexist advertising. The feminist magazine Broadsheet had a page called Hogwash that featured New Zealand’s worst print examples:

November 1975: a girl smiles at her dentist and says, “he says my teeth are so good, I can be his receptionist when I grow up”.

September 1976: the Chef’s Takeaways asks, “Wife a bad cook? Eat out with us and keep her as a pet!”

October 1977: a company looking for a bookkeeper advertises for a woman – or person.

March 1978: Thai Airways tells its customers, “the only wide bodies we have in service are our DC10s”.

And, in September of that same year, Wellington company Colenso says it is looking for a “foxy lady… who doesn’t mind being hounded by 3 jolly good sports… we’ll really make it worth your while being caught”.

In January 1977, to Topaz cigarettes said freedom was “making it in a man’s world”.

Long-time feminist Sandra Coney says advertisers started cleaning up their acts in the 1970s.

“And I think that flowed through to the 80s. These issues were seriously discussed and it was in the context of a social movement to improve the status of women.”

So, imagine her dismay a fortnight ago, when she heard Auckland Regional Transport Authority’s radio advertisement about its mascot bussing in to town to check out “some nice birds”.

She belatedly realised the mascot was a pukeko, but says that doesn’t excuse the ad.

“I just thought, oh my God, how tired and 70s and sexist and surely we can do better than that.”

Coney says what astonished her most was the response from the ad’s supporters, “as if I’d turned the clock back 30 years… feminists were blue-stockinged, humourless, man-hating, da de dah”.

Coney says there does seem to be a new attitude that “we can be as sexist as we like and it’s not sexist somehow.

“But I don’t see somehow we’re living in this equal nirvana and we’ve got it sussed so much that we can somehow have sexist behaviour or advertising and it doesn’t matter.”

Get a sense of humour, say the critics.

The Students Association’s national women’s rights officer, Karen Price, is unsure why women are prepared to accept borderline behaviour. “Perhaps it’s just this wanting to fit in and not feel like the enemy all the time.”

She says advertisements that promote gender stereotyping “train young girls to focus on their appearance and to judge themselves and whether they fit in or not, according to how they look and how they dress. Which has flow-on effects for their whole life”.

What’s wrong with a commercial that encourages mothers to grow teenage iron men?

“Girls eat Nutrigrain as well,” Price says. “long-term I think we are continuing to reinforce one gender as weaker or inferior to the other, which is nonsensical and unfair. And we’ll continue to see women painted in one sphere and light and judged according to her physical ability.”

For one major retailer, The Warehouse, it’s a simple matter of appealing to the audience most likely to be interested in a product, says spokeswoman Cynthia Church, and “we tailor our marketing accordingly”.

“So it’s natural that yes, we do have men in ads for automotive products. Unless it’s Father’s Day, we typically don’t find women in the automotive department.”

Every year, sometimes starting as early as October, eager-beaver viewers start calling TV critics nationwide, wanting to know when their annual list of holiday-themed TV shows will be published.

So I think Newsday TV critic Diane Werts is onto something with her new book, “Christmas on Television“, which explores “the nakedly visceral emotions stirred by Christmas shows.” She also looks back at how television began to acknowledge Christmas with specials in the 1960s and then followed with series episodes in the 1970s and after.

“Practically every show has a Christmas episode,” Werts said by phone this week, even the prison drama “Oz.” “Very few shows don’t have a Christmas episode. I couldn’t find one for ‘Hogan’s Heroes,’ but there’s even a ‘Xena’ Christmas episode.”

Werts said most TV-show writers, even Jewish writers like Phil Rosenthal of “Everybody Loves Raymond,” look forward to writing these programs.

“You’ve got something to hang your hat on,” she said. “There’s a lot of stuff to play with, and you’re not just starting from scratch.”

In her book, Werts looks at both dramas (including the little-seen “Nothing Sacred” Christmas episode) and comedies, but she said comedies tend to stick with more viewers.

“People tend to remember the sitcoms better because they play forever in repeats,” she said.

Werts’ interest in TV Christmases began in 1985, when her parents gave her her first VCR for Christmas. The first things she taped were Christmas shows. And maybe the second things, too.

“I didn’t even realize I had an obsession until I had a stack of 30 tapes of all Christmas episodes, and then it became a collection,” Werts said. Now she has 800 Christmas programs on tape.

Critics of Wal-Mart’s decision to replace “Merry Christmas” with “Happy Holidays” in its seasonal advertising found a lot of support Saturday outside a superstore here.

Unfortunately for the 50 or so Christian protesters hoping to turn away customers over the dispute, most shoppers were not willing to interrupt their quest for the best holiday deals.

“They have a valid point,” said Steven Van Noy, 39 of Citrus Heights, on his way out the store with a bag in his hands. “Christmas should be included in their ads. I believe in Christ, and I don’t like the use of ‘X-mas’ or the use of ‘Happy Holidays.’”

But Van Noy shrugged when asked about his packages. “The bottom line is that they had what I needed at Wal-Mart, so I went to Wal-Mart to buy it,” he said.

The controversy over the secularization of the Christmas holidays has been going on for years, but a confluence of events seems to have ignited a national rage this year.

The American Family Association and the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights are taking on retailers like Wal-Mart who have decided to tune down the religious aspects of the holiday in store decorations and promotional material.

In an online petition conducted in recent weeks, the AFA gathered more than 500,000 signatures asking Target to include Christmas in its promotions. Stores such as Sears and Wal-Mart are facing boycotts.

Wal-Mart spokeswoman Amy Wyatt said the company has made no effort to remove Christmas from its holiday ads. A company promotion that was set to run from mid-November to early January has been misunderstood by many because its slogan was “Home for the holidays.”

“It was a matter of choosing a slogan that carries through the entire season,” Wyatt said. “The signs went up before Thanksgiving and won’t be taken down until after New Year’s. The idea was to focus on the family.”

Saturday’s protest was organized by religious leaders including Dick Otterstad of the Church of the Divide, located in Georgetown, east of downtown Sacramento. Donning a Santa Claus costume and surrounded by a handful of supporters, Otterstad greeted shoppers with a single message: Don’t forget about the meaning of Christmas.

“It is insulting that Wal-Mart has chosen to ignore the reason for the season,” Otterstad said. “Taking the word Christmas out of the holiday implies there’s something sinful about it. … This is a part of our culture.”

Several Russian churches and their immigrant members took part in the Sacramento protest. Inna Sagun, 28, originally from the Ukraine and now living in Sacramento, said Americans should be careful not to lose their holiday traditions.

“We know what it was like not to be able to celebrate our religious beliefs,” Sagun said, holding a sign that read ‘Honk for Christmas’ and waving at drivers. “It’s very important to protect it.”

Earlee Marshall, 32, of Sacramento, pushed a big load of purchases from the store, but said he supported the protesters.

“A lot of people have forgotten the significance of Christmas,” Marshall said. “It used to be about family and friends. But now it’s more about who can give the biggest gifts and who got the best toys.”

Thousands of families are facing Christmas disappointment because presents bought over the internet will not arrive in time.

Up to 700,000 gifts may not reach homes due to delivery problems and supply shortages caused by the online shopping boom. Internet shoppers who have not received their orders are expected to join the last-minute rush to high street shops to search for replacements. Amazon, the online books and entertainment retailer, has taken almost 100 million orders worldwide since November 1.

It predicts that 99 per cent of goods ordered on its UK site will arrive on time. But only a one per cent shortfall across all internet shopping sites would leave hundreds of thousands of British customers disappointed. Royal Mail – Amazon’s main courier – faces the challenge of delivering 70 million online-bought present this Christmas – a 15 million increase on last year.

Delivery is often slower over the festive period, with the rate of first-class post arriving the next day falling from more than 90 per cent to less than 70 per cent.

Analysts predict that £5 billion will be spent online in the run-up to Christmas this year – 40 per cent up on 12 months ago.

James Roper, of the Interactive Media in Retail Group, the internet retail industry body, said: “The boom in Christmas shopping on the internet is putting huge pressure on the system. Waiting for a delivery feels like being in a black hole -you’ve no idea if what you’ve bought is going to turn up or not.

“Customers need to receive better information from websites, and to be offered flexibility about how and when delivery is made.”

A new survey from the internet provider, Thus, suggests that 86 per cent of retail sites fail to inform customers about the last dates on which purchases must be made to arrive in time for Christmas. More than half of online retailers fail to offer a delivery guarantee.

Argos – the biggest online shop last Christmas – admitted that its site has crashed repeatedly after being unable to cope with demand. Customers are regularly confronted with a “holding page” advising them that the service is “temporarily unavailable”.

A spokeswoman said: “There have been problems caused by the sheer volume of people wanting to shop online.”

Critics have accused internet suppliers of cashing in on online shopping’s popularity while not developing the infrastructure to ensure good customer service.

Richard Hyman, of the retail consultants Verdict Research, said: “Internet shopping has grown so fast that the normal methods used to predict demand just don’t apply – so companies struggle to cope. Many internet businesses make the mistake of concentrating on their websites but failing to sort out the old-fashioned problems of delivering parcels around the country.

“Too many internet firms do not deliver what they promise.”

Consumer groups advise online shoppers to look for sites with the ISIS (Internet Shopping Is Safe) logo, such as B&Q, Boots, Comet and the online specialist, Firebox.

Firebox, which sells gadgets and boys’ toys, does half its annual business at Christmas and has seen an 80 per cent jump in sales compared with this time last year. Christian Robinson, the managing director, said: “The only way to bring people back to shop again and again is to deliver the right goods on time.”

Stephen Shaw, of Local Works, which promotes neighbourhood businesses, advises people to return to the high street to avoid an anxious wait.

With a week to go before Christmas, some online customers have already abandoned hope that their gifts will arrive in time.

Jennifer Bezant, a graphic designer from London, ordered a book from Amazon in October. She was informed it would take two to three days, but six weeks later it still had not arrived.

After being told the arrival estimate had been “updated” and she might have to wait another six weeks, she cancelled her order last week. Miss Bezant, 30, said: “I ordered this book very early to make sure it would arrive in time for me to give to my boyfriend for Christmas.

“It has been a huge hassle to go through – particularly as the end result has been that I still don’t have the book. Online shopping has ruined our Christmas.”

Internet shoppers have also found that supermarkets are restricting deliveries before Christmas. Sainsbury and Asda have stopped taking orders over the internet because they are booked to capacity.

THE tills will be ringing out the spirit of Christmas all this week, enticing us to part with our hard-earned cash and much beside.

However, the festive season can leave you with a nasty financial hangover if you throw common sense to the wind and succumb to all the commercial pressures.

Families are expected to find the cash for expensive toys which will be discarded by Boxing Day. Poorer families who cannot get cheap credit cards find themselves paying crippling interest charges – which last year averaged 177% – after resorting to rip-off loans from doorstep lenders.

Edinburgh North & Leith MP Mark Lazarowicz said he was concerned at growing evidence of high-pressure pushing of extortionate loans as door-to-door lenders step up their activities at this time of year. He warned that vulnerable consumers were being lured into a debt trap without understanding the full implications.

Lazarowicz said: “I know that many of my constituents are specifically targeted by doorstep lenders at Christmas, and end up paying way over the top for credit.

“When they can’t afford the repayments, borrowers are encouraged to take out top-up loans. What begins as a £100 advance to pay for Christmas presents can escalate into a debt of thousands within months.”

January is a depressing enough month without facing huge credit card bills at a time when big gas and electricity demands begin hitting the mat. But with some sensible planning there is no need to get into debt.

Stick to Scotland on Sunday’s 11-point Christmas plan and you’ll enjoy not just a happy Christmas but a stable, worry-free and hopefully prosperous 2006.

1. Draw up a budget

Sit down and work out what you think Christmas will cost. Draw up a present list, and price it. Then do the same with food and drink, then total them.

When you’ve got over the shock, take a look at your bank account and decide, after you have allowed for all December’s and January’s other commitments, how much you are prepared to spend.

Go back and amend the lists accordingly.

2. Do not panic-buy

Having drawn up your budget, make sure you stick to it. Try, if possible, to shop early in the morning or late at night when the shops are quieter and you are less likely to succumb to panic attacks.

Always take your shopping lists with you, and focus on them. Tick your purchases off as you get them, but stick rigidly to your plan.

If it becomes clear that you will not get one of the presents because it is sold out, do not grab the next thing on the shelf. Go home and think about it, and perhaps consult the person concerned. They may be as happy with vouchers, so they can purchase the item themselves in the sales.

3. Use cash rather than cards

This is normally shocking advice because of the security risk. However, it is easier to keep tabs on what you are spending if you hand over cash each time. When the money is gone, it is gone.

It is the easiest thing in the world to let spending run away with you as you keep painlessly handing over plastic. It’s when you open the bills that the agony begins.

But if you do shop with cash, keep as little on you as possible and watch your wallet or handbag at all times.

4. Haggle

Check any item you purchase carefully, and if there is the slightest fault bring this to the attention of the shop assistant and ask for a discount.

It may be a loose button or a caught thread, but these will take you time to repair and it means the item is not of the standard required by the purchase price. Most reputable shops will offer 5% or 10% off.

Christmas isn’t the best time to start negotiating discounts, when other customers are queuing out the door. However, most goods will have been well thumbed over, and looking a little less than their best.

Furthermore, the nearer to Christmas we get, the better the shop staff’s seasonal spirit. It also brings the Boxing Day sales closer still, when the prices will be cut anyway, which may imbibe them with goodwill. If you don’t ask, you don’t get.

5. Exercise your rights

Any item you buy must be as described and fit for the purpose under consumer protection legislation.

If you get something home and it is faulty then you can demand a full refund. You are not obliged to accept a credit note or offer of a repair. If a retailer is being difficult, report the shop to your local trading standards department.

6. Keep receipts

It is vital to keep receipts to prove that you bought an item at a particular shop and paid a specific price. When trying to return goods after Christmas they will invariably be priced more cheaply in the sales, and the shop will only refund the sale price unless you can prove a higher price was paid.

While shops must refund on faulty goods, there is no legal requirement for them to exchange or refund unwanted presents or clothes which do not fit.

Many of the major chains will exchange, but without a receipt you will only get an exchange worth the sale price.

7. Avoid fee-charging ATMs

Always use free cash dispensers, and plan your cash withdrawals as part of your shopping routine.

According to the Nationwide Building Society, the “volume and value of transactions at British cash machines are expected to break all previous records this Christmas”, with customers forking out a record £18m to charging machines in December.

The cost to consumers will average more than £500,000 per day, or almost £25,000 per hour, to withdraw their own cash from ATMs – the highest ever level. Nationwide’s Stuart Bernau said: “Christmas is expensive enough without paying to access your money.”

8. Borrow wisely

If you are going to borrow on your credit card, plan precisely how best to keep costs down. Time your purchases to make the most of the interest-free period. Most cards offer around 56 days grace before interest is charged.

Remember that cash withdrawals using a credit card start to clock up interest immediately so should be avoided.

Think about applying for a zero-interest card if you cannot see how bills can be settled after Christmas. Even now it will not be too late to get one which will allow a balance transfer in the new year.

9. Avoid credit card cheques

Some banks and building societies send out credit card cheques offering what looks like extra free cash, which can tempt you to spend more and seem to solve all your problems.

However, these are almost always more expensive than simply borrowing on a credit card and interest clocks up from the minute you bank them.

Even if you never spend the money it will cost you dear.

10. Be suspicious of interest-free credit

There is no such thing as a free lunch. If credit is free, then the cost is built in somewhere in the purchase price.

If you do have the cash available in your bank account, ask for a discount, which is surprisingly frequently forthcoming.

11. Celebrate the true spirit of Christmas

Remember that there is much more to a happy Christmas than conspicuous consumption.

Think of other things you can do with your family which cost nothing, such as a Christmas quiz, a treasure hunt or a free carol concert.

A couple who lost an envelope filled with more than $2,000 in cash for Christmas gifts were the recipients of a huge dose of holiday Christmas spirit from a woman who returned the money.

Elizabeth “Babeth” Miglio spotted two unmarked envelopes on the ground while walking along Bayview Avenue on Thursday. One of them had $2,096 in cash. Miglio took the money to the police station.

“It was scary,” Miglio told The Newport Daily News. “I was thinking, ‘Someone needs this money to pay bills.’ If I lost that much money, I could not sleep.”

Later Thursday, Robert Leno Sr. came by the station and asked if the envelopes had been turned in. He was in luck, especially after police verified the money belonged to him and his wife by matching the membership number on a receipt in an envelope with the number on Leno’s membership card.

“I couldn’t believe it,” Leno said. “It was just so amazing to me.”

Leno’s wife, Emily, had cashed a check and planned to use most of the money to buy Christmas gifts for the couple’s grandchildren and great-grandchildren. She believes the envelopes fell from her pocketbook as she exited her sister’s car on Bayview Avenue.

She had already told two of the grandchildren that she wouldn’t be able to buy Christmas presents this year. She called Miglio to express her gratitude, and now wants to meet Miglio and give her a reward.

“She said thank-you about a thousand times,” Miglio said.

The first time Mary McCray’s granddaughters saw snow, it was Christmas in New Orleans last year. Few of the flakes stuck but, to them, it was a miracle.

The four girls, ages 8 to 12, remember the chicken, stuffed peppers and baked macaroni their grandmother made for a special dinner and the presents Santa brought. And now, despite all they’ve been through _ wading through neck-high flood water to escape Hurricane Katrina, sleeping on the ground outside the Superdome and a long bus ride to Houston and then Chicago _ they’re just as excited this year.

“We’re going to have another white Christmas!” Rabriel McCray, the eldest of the girls, shouts gleefully as she watches an all-out blizzard from a window of their new, subsidized apartment on Chicago’s South Side. Giddy and giggling, 9-year-old Keoka McCray and 8-year-old Wilshondra make pretend snow angels on the carpeted living room floor.

Their grandmother, whom they call “mo-mo,” is more subdued and looks worried.

“You know what I told you,” she says, looking at a boxed-up Easy Bake oven she purchased to replace one they left behind and a TV that has a few basic video games. “This is all I can buy you.”

Even so, the girls stay upbeat, a testament to the resilience of some of the youngest Katrina survivors, whose families are often struggling financially. Parents and aid workers note that many storm-displaced children are helping in their own way, making modest requests when asked what they’d like Santa to bring them this year.

“When I look at their lists, I find it quite amazing. Usually kids ask for PlayStations or DVDs _ these kids are asking for necessities,” says Cherrell Jackson, who is coordinating a holiday gift program for about 200 Katrina families for the Heartland Alliance, a Chicago-based service organization.

So far, she’s received gift donations for about half of the families _ most of them filling kids’ requests for clothing and winter weather gear, school supplies and books.

In Foley, Ala., children living in motels, shelters and trailers provided by the federal government also have been filling out letters to Santa, provided by retirees Bruce and Patti Walstad.

“One boy asked for a necklace for his mother and a football _ that was it,” Bruce Walstad says. “A 9-year-old boy asked for clothes for his 3-year-old sister _ and he knew the sizes. Another just wanted ‘someone to help my mom take care of us.’

“It can break your heart.”

The Walstads began buying toys and necessities for Katrina victims by asking friends and their former police colleagues in the Chicago area to donate $5 each. They ended up receiving thousands of dollars, enabling them to purchase everything from car seats, strollers and bunk beds to diapers, shoes, clothing and toys for Christmas.

For this Sunday, they organized a Christmas party at a VFW hall for kids from families displaced by Katrina, providing a bright spot for those who’ve been scrambling to find permanent housing.

Though they’re planning to soon move from the Super 8 motel in Foley to a house outside Montgomery, Ala., about 150 miles away, Penny Boutwell stayed on a bit longer so her 6-year-old daughter Jessica could attend the party. Jessica, who faces bowel surgery in early January, has made only one request of Santa so far _ for new books and cartridges for her LeapPad reading system.

“She’s not asking for much this year,” Boutwell says, “probably because she knows we don’t have much.”

Elsewhere, in Mesquite, Texas, 8-year-old Robdell Bridges and his 3-year-old sister, Jewel, recently begged their mother to stop their car outside a store so they could drop all her change in a Salvation Army collection bucket.

“They’re so busy worrying about other kids not having anything,” says mom Germaine Bridges. She considers herself one of the lucky Katrina survivors because she and her husband, Dennis, have been able to buy their children Christmas toys and a tree this year. Both she and her husband also are in the process of being approved for jobs, hers at a bank and his with the Dallas transit system.

Back in Chicago, the Heartland Alliance is working with donors to get gifts for Mary McCray and her granddaughters.

Each of the girls has put clothing at the top of her list for Santa, along with scarves, hats and gloves. “And an ice cream maker!” Wilshondra says.

Mari, their 10-year-old sister, also asks to put in a request for their grandmother: “A big fluffy coat _ the biggest you got! And a truck to ride around in.”

They also wish they had gifts for their grandmother on this particular December day, her 45th birthday. But they’re happy just to celebrate.

Mary McCray tells them to go ahead and cut the cake without her. So they do, singing “Happy Birthday” to her from the kitchen. Wilshondra runs back into the living room and gives a kiss to her grandmother, who can’t help but crack a smile.